May 14, 2014 | The Most Ridiculous Celebrity Story of the Week

This week has brought of lot of interesting pop culture stories. One has stood out to me, and I decided to comment on it (naturally).

Solange Being Jay-Z's 100th Problem

By now, I'm sure pretty much everyone on earth has seen the security video of Solange kicking and hitting Jay-Z Jersey Shore style. As much as no one should really be entertained by violence (note the use of "should") it really gives the "little people" some comfort in knowing that even the most distinguished among the celebrities still have trailer park chic moments.

The photos from the night also interestingly show that everything isn't always what it seems. Beyonce's serene face walking out did nothing to betray the fact that there was a live episode of WWE's Friday Night Smackdown in the elevator moments before. 

Maybe she should delve deeper into acting? 

I've also read that Solange has since removed almost all of the pictures of Beyonce off of her Instagram account...because the lack of pictures on her account will totally make everyone forget her connection to Queen Bee, right? As much as I can appreciate the intensity of Miss Solange's confidence, I can't say anyone would really know her name if it wasn't for her famous sister.

With Beyonce's clout, she could probably rent herself another sister for any upcoming events. "Don't ya ever for a second get to thinking', you're IRREPLACEABLE!" 

Until a celebrity pulls some other ridiculous stunt,

Christina

21 Things My Grandmother Says

The mug found in my grandma's house with the least-grandma-ish sentiment around.

Grandmothers are beacons of wisdom... as well as beacons of hilarious quotes. Here are some directly from my grandmother's mouth. I'm pretty sure there are multiple variations of these phrases being uttered in every grandma's house in North America... okay, maybe not every one.

1. It's cold outside. Stay in.

2. Wear a jacket.

3. Zip it all the way up.

4. It's hot outside. Stay in. You can barely breathe.

5. I called and you didn't pick up. I got so scared, I started crying.

6. Did you have dinner?

7. Did you eat?

8. Are you hungry?

9. Make sure you never leave your drink at a party. Bring it to the bathroom with you!

10. I heard on the news there's this new drug out there. It's a lollipop. The men trick you and say "Do
you want this lollipop?", then you're on the drugs.

11. One day you'll find a nice Greek boy.

12. Don't talk to strangers at school.

This is a container of water she left beside all the vents as a do-it-yourself humidifier...when she has a perfectly good one in the basement.

13. *while complimenting her floral placemat* Do you want to take it home? Here, take it home.

14. Your grandfather drives me crazy.

15. The doctor gave your grandfather antibiotics for his ear infection. He threw them in the garbage.

16. *when there were mushrooms for dinner and I scooped some onto my plate* I didn't know you liked mushrooms! I'll make them every time you come over now.

17. Do you have a boyfriend?

18. It's okay. You're too young.

19. Why don't you ever develop pictures to show me? Everything is on the phone now.

20. Eat more. Are you sick? Are you on a diet?

21. I love you.

Reading this list back gives me a laugh (like with those lollipop drugs, she's ahead of the game in the streets, isn't she?) Gotta love grandparents!

Greek dancing at a wedding with my grandparents like a champ.

First Youtube Video Ever-Ever

Hello friends!

I originally had this video written out as a blog post, but a couple friends encouraged me to try making Youtube videos. I was pretty nervous (it's weird to watch your whole face fill up your computer screen, trust me) but I decided to go for it.

So without further ado, Things Old People Do On Facebook:

Worst Trends of Spring and Summer 2014

A lot of the time, when I see what a season's "trends" are, I'm surprised at how much I hate them and can't believe that people would actually follow them. So because I'm bored and exams are over, I scoured the Internet for Spring and Summer 2014's worst trends and made fun of them so you don't have to. You're welcome.

The Kitten Heel

If you focus hard on them, you can almost feel yourself teleporting back to 1965.
Photo by glambistro.com

Apparently, this is becoming a thing again. When I'm looking for a pair of heels, or any summer shoe for that matter, I like to steer clear of the ones that look like a pair my grandmother would wear to a wedding. There are so many questions that go along with this type of footwear. Firstly, what are you? Are you casual, or formal? Where do I wear you? Church, or a party? If you ask me, the answers are neither, and nowhere. There is no need for this shoe. I just can't do it.

White on White

Hope you don't plan on sitting...or moving around...much today.
(Photo by Brian Ach/ Getty Images)

A entire white outfit could look amazing on some, but is potentially disastrous for a klutz such as myself. The last thing I need is a blood red tomato sauce stain on a white dress so it looks like I got shot. On second thought, I don't know what's worse, getting a stain, or it being so stark white someone could mistake me for a nurse. So while a look like this is nice in theory, you've got to try it at your own risk. 

Culottes

She's doing the white on white and the culottes, double the trendiness.
(Photo by: IMAXtree)

I'll be honest, I didn't even know what these were at first. But upon further investigation I know exactly what it is- something that will never be seen in my closet. These may be the least flattering bottoms I've ever been subjected to. For someone without modelesque long legs, these pants make me look way shorter than I am, which, at 5'4, I could really do without. Plus, I feel like a strong gust of wind could send a culotte-wearer into the sky. I mean, why all the extra material?

Metallic

(Photo by Patrick Kovarik/AFP/ Getty Images)

And by this I mean pants, tops and dresses that are completely shiny silver or gold. I love metallic accents but this is way too much. Even on the runway this looks tacky. If I wanted to look like a piece of tin foil, I could fashion a garment out of the contents of my mom's kitchen cabinets.

Wool Sweaters

(Photo by Arun Nevader/ Getty Images)

I love cozy sweaters for the fall and winter, but for spring and summer? Apparently, they're meant to be paired with a pair of shorts, which may be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. If it's hot enough outside to get away with shorts, a thick wool sweater is the last thing I'm going to be wearing with them. Sorry, deodorant companies, I know this would probably lead to a boom in your sales, but I hope this trend doesn't catch on. Mostly because every time I see a girl in a wool sweater in the dead of summer, I'll think about her discomfort and inevitable perspiration and that's not exactly what I want to have on my mind in the July heat.

5 Skills to Learn Before We Leave the Nest

Let's be honest, people, we need to learn these things. Maybe some of you will read this and be like, "Wow Christina, you're an idiot, I'm so great at all these things, you're going to be a failure at life", but I feel that almost everyone has at least one or two of the things below to work on. The first step to progress is realizing we have a problem. We've got a few things to learn before we're considered "grown ups" and that's okay. We're all in this together, 18 plus crowd.

Photo from real-estate.com.au

1. Taxes and Other Moneyish Things

Or anything bank related for that matter. I've realized that I know nothing about the finances in my life. Today was actually the first day I've been present while my taxes were being done (hence the inspiration for this post), and I was completely confused. A few weeks ago, my mom told me that she had made an appointment for me, and to start gathering everything I would need. Everything I would need? Like what? I was completely at a loss for what this whole tax thing required. Do you need a lock of my hair, or a goat for sacrifice perhaps? I really think all young people should have knowledge of at least basic bank/tax/whatever knowledge. That math is a whole lot more important than quadratic formulas and algebra with more letters than numbers.

2. Talking on the Phone Without Having a Panic Attack

Ask my best friends, and they'll tell you the last thing I have a problem with is talking on the phone. I can go on and on and waste hours... but only with them. The second someone asks me to call and make an appointment for myself (exactly why my mother called to place my tax-appointment in the first place), I start imagining the awkward situations that will no doubt happen. "What if they ask me a question and I can't answer? Then we'll have an awkward silence and I'll stutter and they'll judge me and tell their coworkers about me and...." until my mother accepts I'm a psycho and does the appointment booking for me. In this electronic age, it's important for us to have telephone skills, if only to be able to make appointments and call 911. ("Hey 911, do you mind if I just text you the description of the burglar in my home? It'll make me feel way more comfortable. Okay, thanks.")

3. Running a Household and all that Jazz

And by that I mean everything, cooking, laundry, mowing the lawn, ensuring the house doesn't burn to the ground, you know, the basics. In all honesty, I know very little about this sort of stuff. I can make a mean Mr. Noodle, even scrambled eggs when I'm feeling super fancy, but I'm assuming that's not enough in the real world. Before one leaves the nest, I feel like they should probably know enough about domestic duties to not be afraid to have their mother over for dinner. (And that goes for girls AND guys!)

4. Paying Bills

I know this is covered in number 1 but I feel like it needs it's own point, because this one will just be an issue for a cheapskate such as myself. Bills are slightly less fun when you're the one who has to deal with them. Donations are always welcome.

5. Weening off the Cell Phone

I know, guys, this ones a hard one. Don't freak out and close the page yet, hear me out. Young people, myself included, spend waaaaaay too much time on cell phones. Texting, tweeting, Instagram-ing, Facebooking, and all the other social media "-ings" we do. Believe me when I say I love social media, and my phone is one of my prized possessions (I mean, what could be better than a device that can save you from boredom and awkward moments when you run out of things to say during a real-life conversation?!) but we have to remember the value of actually sitting down with our friends and spending time together. Gossiping about others in person is always better than doing so over text messages, you can trust me on that one. So go outside, squint into the sunlight (I know it's been a while, take a minute), and put the phone away once in a while. 

If Guys You Meet at Parties Were Alcohol

Parties are always a mish mash of different personalities. You can meet a potential best friend, or a potential stalker. It's like a lottery, except the odds of hitting the jackpot are probably way less. We've all met these types of guys...

Photo by drinkinginamerica.com

1. The Wine Cooler

Sickly sweet, the Wine Cooler tells you everything you want to hear. By the end of the night you've received compliments on your hair, shoes, eyes, and personality, and when they run out of normal things to compliment they start to grasp at straws, "I like your curly hair, it's really big." Now, like the drink, the Wine Cooler can only be handled in small doses, or else you're sure to get a headache by the end of the night. This one's probably a creep, be ready to do your "get me out of this conversation" hand signal to your BFF.

2. The Beer

Athletic and manly, the Beer is a guy's guy. Expect some chest bumping or a baseball cap sporting some logo that you couldn't place if your life depended on it. Bubbly and laid back, the Beer can be found over by the pong table, or chugging back a few with his teammates. But, like most girls' sentiments on beer, they just aren't our taste. The Beer is too busy entertaining the guys than impressing the girls. Even if you do get a second to talk to him, he just doesn't know how to interact with the opposite sex, and leaves a bad taste in your mouth. Next!

3. The Wine

The Wine just doesn't belong here. Quiet and reserved, the Wine sports an air of elegance not visible with the other gentlemen at the party. While you wouldn't be keen to approach him, because he would just slow down your party mood, you appreciate his charm. Don't write this one off though, he's probably just better suited to a nice dinner one on one. How did he even get here anyways? 

4. The Vodka

The Vodka is the life of the party. His motives are clear and transparent, this guy just wants everyone to have a good time. Mixing with everyone, the Vodka is the one you want to be around. But, unfortunately, so do all of the other girls, so be ready to pull out your best pick up lines to stay on top. A word of caution, too much time with this guy will get you on the roof of the house or facedown on the lawn before you know it. Maybe the Vodka is a little bit of a troublemaker, use discretion...

5. The Water

This one should be obvious. The Water is the "boring" one. You know he has to be there, to be the DD or to make sure his friends don't end up in a jail cell by the end of the night. With a clear head, this is the guy that, if your mom was a fly on the wall at this party, would want you to spend time with. On second thought, he's the guy you should talk to, just not in this party setting, maybe somewhere with less drunks everywhere.

Let's be honest here, very rarely does one find a lifelong friend, or husband material, at a wild bash. The guys above are no exception. My advice? Head to the party, stick with your best girlfriends, and you're sure to have a great time no matter who you meet!

The Kardashians are Making Me Klaustrophobic

Just like a lot of other people, I love celebrity gossip. In line at the grocery store, I can't help flipping through the magazines with headlines screaming celebrity pregnancies, divorces, drug problems, superpowers, and all that.
A few celebrities I am totally tired of hearing about are the Kardashians.

Don't get me wrong, I've watched their show Keeping Up With The Kardashians a bunch of times, and just between you and I, actually really loved it. The ridiculous drama is a guilty pleasure of mine.

The reason I'm tired of them isn't really their fault, now that I think about it. It's the insane amount of publicity every minor activity they perform receives. And that would be the fault of paparazzi and the like.

I just don't understand some of the articles I've seen. "Kim Goes Shopping" "Kourtney Goes to the Park with Her Son", the list goes on and on. Do people not realize that these are normal, every day tasks? Why is it necessary to report on them with such awe,  like us, the Little People, have never been to a mall before?

I've also realized now more than ever, every one of Kim's decisions receives a flurry of discussions, some that are totally unnecessary. For example, during Kim's pregnancy, I kid you not, I saw copious amounts of articles including multiple variations of the quote "I Just Can't Stop Eating Junk Food!"

....

Wow, what an intense piece of investigative journalism! I'm intrigued!

I assure you, if I was a celebrity and every time I ate something bad for me an article came out, my fans would be buying weekly 500 page novels at the grocery store checkout.

Maybe I'll pull a Chris Crocker :"LEAVE KIM K ALONE!", or better yet, just leave me alone. I have no interest hearing what sandwich Kim ate today because I'll be too busy scarfing a bag of chips or something else that would garner a lot of attention if I was famous for...whatever it is that the Kardashians are famous for.

Just call me Khristina.