5 Reasons Why I Would Be Unsuccessful on American Idol

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1. I Can't Sing

As much as I ambush my parents and sister with my singing voice when we're in the car and they can't escape, I'm really not much of a singer. I've got the charisma for it, but the voice just isn't there. I would be doomed to become just a short clip in the montages of terrible contestants in one of the first episodes. The most I could hope for would be to be so bad that I win the hearts of the country, a la William Hung or the "Pants on the Ground" guy.

2. No Interesting Backstory

Even though I think I'm a pretty intriguing person, I don't have any heartwarming stories that would capture a nation or anything like that. I'm not the legal guardian of my great-aunt's six children after her tragic rickshaw accident. My singing has never raised anyone from the dead. I was never homeless and had to resort to living under a bridge with my dyslexic brother, where my singing voice was our only source of hope. There would be no need to film my hometown to set the tone for my audition, or play inspirational music like "Don't Stop Believin'" once I made it through the first round. Nothing for me and Ryan Seacrest to talk about. I'd most definitely be that one contestant you had no idea existed until halfway through the season.

3. I Don't Take Criticism Well

Granted, I know I can't sing, but that doesn't keep me from having an overwhelming sense of pride that would cause me to become a very unsavoury character at the first shred of criticism. I can see it now, after belting out a tear-inducing rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody", Simon would rub his chest and say "That was literally the most dreadful thing my ears have ever experienced. It's a no from me" (I hope you read that in his accent, aswell), to which I would take great offense and I would jump the judges table, Coke cups flying about, Mean Girls "This is how it would be settled in the animal world" style. The security team would have to come, it just wouldn't be a good look.

4. Being Offended by an Entire Country

If I was fortunate enough to make it to the live performances and the entire country got to vote, the second I was eliminated I would be so enraged at every citizen that I would have to immigrate somewhere else. Ryan Seacrest would say, "After the nationwide vote, Christina, you will no longer be continuing with us", the studio audience would clap, and I would probably spin around and scream "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? CURSES COME UPON ALL OF YOU." (Or something along those lines...not like I've thought about it or anything...) Ryan would hand me the mike to sing my final song, to which I would refuse, because, of course, if these idiots wanted me to sing another song they would have KEPT ME HERE. I would run off, never to be seen again, taking the mike with me, which would show up on eBay from the username scorned_idol.

5. Holding Up Numbers on my Fingers

This is probably the main reason I wouldn't be successful on American Idol. Ryan would join me onstage after I finished singing, and say something along the lines of, "To vote for Christina text 'vote' to 5713!" and in my frazzled state of mind, I would start holding up a five and a seven...then realize I don't have enough fingers...then realize that 57 is obviously not my number..then try to hold up a 1 and a 3 but end up holding them so they read 31 instead of 13...and then try to play that hand game Chopsticks with myself until I put up the right number. All the while the audience would be watching me uncomfortably and I'd probably be drenched in sweat. The next week I would likely go home and the situation explained in #4 would come to fruition.

So with all of these in mind, I don't think I'll be caught in that 10,000 people-deep Idol audition line any time soon!