Mall Madness: In Real Life

After a successful day at the mall, I'm in such a good mood. Maybe I just found a cute shirt on the clearance rack that was just my size, or maybe I ate a double scoop ice cream cone (the ice cream cone would probably make me the happiest, let's be honest...). I'm probably pretty tired from walking around the mall all day, and I'm ready to get into my car and finally sit down.

 I'm so close to reaching the outdoors, just a door away, and then, all of a sudden, my day is ruined. Because I lose faith in the human race. This happens when the perfectly capable person in front of me on the way out presses this button. 

Photo from openclipart.org

 I just don't understand.

 Their hands aren't full, they have fully capable appendages, yet, they are just SO exhausted that opening the door is much too strenuous to handle. It's not even like they don't know how to open the door, as there are usually very clear PULL and PUSH signs so that there is no risk. They won't embarrass themselves by pulling and throwing their back out or anything, they won't push to no avail. There is literally no reason for this button to have even been touched. Their fingerprints should never have graced this device.

 So, because of this person's laziness, I have that six second waiting period where we have to step back and allow the door to open with molasses speed. In this moment, they are undoubtedly thinking, "Wow, the wonders of modern technology. Why use my fully functioning arms when I can press this magical button?"

 Once the door has finally slid open about four inches, the person remembers that there are people behind them waiting, then tries to squeeze themselves through a head sized opening, all at once catching their bag on the door and losing the last remnants of respect I had for them. Also, for some reason, once the button has been pressed, the door becomes the weight of a boulder and you have no choice but to wait for it to open fully, you can't even push it open to get through quicker. This only adds to the anarchy.

 So, recap time. Within about fifteen seconds, I go from satisfied, to dismayed, to impatient, to finally, relief, as it's finally my turn to go from the mall-air, filled with the smells of fried everything and the coughs and sneezes of the human race, to the fresh outdoors. "Phew, that was a doozy," I think. My life is dramatic, I know.

Mosquitoes are Horrible Party Guests: Part Two

So, it's been a couple of weeks since I covered my mosquito incident. Now that some time has passed and the memory is not so fresh, allow me to tell you about my SECOND mosquito attack.
It happened a day after the first, at my friend's birthday barbecue in the dreaded, mosquito infested outdoors. I know what you're thinking, "Didn't you learn from the first time?" and YES, I most definitely did. Which is why I doused myself in bug spray. Believe it or not, I even brought a purse just to be able to bring the spray with me. It was literally an empty bag except for the spray. Drastic times call for drastic measures.
But apparently, I missed a one inch by three inch section of thigh, and this is what I received...

It might be kind of hard to distinguish but yes, that is absolutely three bites all next to each other. And yes, they are gross. And yes, they itched with the fury of ten thousand suns. I was pretty sure I wouldn't last the week, what with these just adding to my collection.

Thankfully, my mom bought me some allergy spray to stop the itching. The only problem was, industrial grade adhesive must have been one of the main ingredients because it made me stick to everything. These three bites were already at an awkward spot, and now whenever I sat down I would take couch lint with me.

The best part was in the public washroom at the mall. I laid toilet paper on the seat in order to avoid the butt-germs of strangers (naturally) and when I got up, I had a nice strip of toilet paper stuck to the back of my leg. And don't think I'm using the word "stuck" lightly. I literally had to call my poor sister into the stall with me to pick white pieces of tissue off the back of my leg. I clearly remember saying, more than once, "Can anything go right in my LIFE?" (Those who watch Friends know where this is from), and just feeling all around sorry for myself.

I chose the name of this post to be pretty concise and to the point, because I didn't think "How I Ended Up Trapped in the Public Washroom of the Local Mall with Toilet Paper Crazy Glued to my Legs" would have fit.

But here I am, alive and itch-free. There was really no point to this story, I just needed to get that off my chest because it seemed like such an ridiculous situation for one to be in and I had one of those "OF COURSE it would happen to me" moments. I also hoped for it to be a motivational story, kind of like, "If I can survive mosquito bites then YOU can solve world hunger!"

But now I've learned my lesson. The next time I spend the evening outside I'll be sure to bathe in a vat of bug repellent, because you know what they say:

Bite me once, shame on you,
Bite me twice, I go into anaphylactic shock.